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Love for the printed word, love and belief in ideas.

Our Wild Wonderful Children–Every One

HOW TO RAISE A SWEET SON in an ERA of ANGRY MEN 

My husband and I are blessed with three amazing children. And not only are they all living good lives–all three are loving and giving. So why is that a big deal? It just is.   

Faith Salie, author of the Approval Junkie, published a piece with the above title in TIME MAGAZINE.  And I LOVED WHAT SHE SAID. Wished that I had written that piece. So I looked her up. Faith is an American journalist, writer, actor, comedian, and contributes to CBS Sunday Morning and NPR’s Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me!  SHE IS ONE A SMART WOMAN.

And Faith has damn good insights. Her first child was a boy, and when her husband greeted the newborn, he said, “Hi Sweet Pea” not Buddy or Little Man…and from that moment, Faith felt great comfort. She saw that both of them would be committed to raising a sweet boy, and Faith, like many other mothers, realizes that this is what the world needs now–millions of them. I AGREE. 

Faith now has two children–her son is five, her daughter is three. She uses metaphors for the trajectory of their individual lives: the girl demanded a makeshift kite to become a fencing foil, so that she could race around their yard proclaiming “En grade!” At his birthday party, the boy asked the balloon artist for a heart, instead of the usual sword.

Here’s the point Faith is making: “Boys have always known they could do anything; all they had to do was look around at the US presidents, religious leaders, professional athletes and especially at STATUES…in cities big and small.” She then writes: “Girls always knew they were allowed to feel anything–except anger.” My response to these statements: YES.

But now girls, led by we women, are allowed to be angry, to feel their emotions, and use those emotions to determine their futures.

LIKE MY TWO DAUGHTERS

Caroline initially wanted to major in architecture, but found her way to city planning and landscape design to be a better wide-open choice for her. She earned her MA in City Planning & Landscape Architecture, works in the Green Movement, helping to restructure buildings to be LEED certified ie Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design. She married Ben, lives and works in Boston, Mass, and is co-owner and principal of her firm. 

On her journey, Christine had to deal (and did so expertly) with egotistical, obnoxious men when she worked in the film industry. She then did a one-eighty, earning her MA in Theology, with a focus in spiritual direction. She had three amazing children, then created The Green House, place for women to do yoga and /or meet Christie for spiritual direction. She also recently published a novel and is currently touring to promote it. Yes! both of our daughters are powerful women. 

SO…WHAT ARE BOYS EXPECTED TO FEEL? 

Faith Salie states it clearly: while girls are now encouraged to take on roles that were once only for men, boys who already knew they could be all these things–astronauts, tech giants–had parents who often failed to help them access and understand their emotions, actually know how to work with them. Faith points out that infant boys are still dressed in onesies with trucks and footballs. She even saw a onesie that read TOUGH LIKE DADDY. Faith would much rather see clothing that reads: RESILIENT LIKE MOMMY. And Faith wants us to consider this statistic: the number of men who around the age of 27 commit suicide or go on a murder rampage. Those statistics are chilling.)

RAISING YOUR SON 

Thus, there is nothing wrong, but absolutely right, to raise a son while fostering his innate sweetness. Because this boy will grow up to see there is strength in being vulnerable, empathetic. (Empathy, which is now one of my favorite words for all time.)  And Faith Salie states: when boys grow to be men and understand their emotions they:

  • aren’t threatened by criticism;
  • don’t perceive COMPETITION from people because of their skin color or sexual orientation, religion, education or as Faith writes WHATEVER!!

When boys feel everything without shame, it’s because their parents and maybe the wider society have given them permission to access their emotions, welcome them, understand them. There is NO SHAME in having and expressing emotion for males or females.

Faith writes: “Parents must invite their sons to be sad, afraid, hurt, silly, affectionate, and embrace them and snuggle them as they do their daughters. Sweet boys learn early on that they can defend themselves against loneliness by reaching out, asking for support, rather than turning into people who literally grab for power. Sweet boys evolve into openhearted men who aren’t confused about consent and sexual boundaries, because they experience women as equals.”  WOW, THAT IS SO IMPORTANT. 

And I must write: Andrew has had a great role model all his life–his father. He did get called, Buddy, now and again, and he did play baseball etc. But there was never a doubt that Andrew would be caring and kind–thus today he is a man of great empathy–in a world where anger, ego, lust and pride are sometimes held up as the way to be.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I kept a baby book for each of my children, recorded their birth weights and size, taped in their foot print sheets, their growth, listed their new teeth, first words…illnesses, birthdays, funny and amazing proclamations. My husband and I realized that though we raised two girls and then a boy–the pattern for each was the same! Thus our son Andrew works in marketing for a firm specializing in games. He not only enjoys his work but adds a creativity to it. He also plays guitar, knows chapter and verse about many kinds of music, and writes his own songs. 

All three are wild and wonderful, creative and funny, curious and interesting. All have found amazing life-partners. They love adventure, and yet sitting around a fireplace on a cold night just talking–they are great at that too. When my husband and I hurt, they are there for us. When we cry, they cry; when we laugh, they laugh. Our son and his wife are now expecting their first child…talk about a blessed family. 

And thanks to Faith Salie; Photo Credits: DAD 

The Mayo Clinic’s Advice for a Good Night Sleep

We hear it all the time…getting a good night’s sleep is GOOD FOR YOUR BRAIN. Thus, when The Mayo Clinic sent me a Special Report about sleep, I read it, eager to share aspects of it with you.

So…FACTS TO KEEP IN MIND: Sleep is NOT a luxury, it is a POWERFUL HUMAN DRIVE that can provide us with multiple health benefits.

Sleep gives your body a break from being in full operational mode. It provides time for faulty cell repair and establishes new memory and learning processes. So…if you don’t get the sleep you need, THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES: daytime drowsiness and irritability. Your concentration will be impaired, and your ability to perform simple tasks will be hindered.

Also, your memory, your physical performance and reaction time will be affected. Reading this is not comforting. Plus, the situation gets worse if you are interrupted or short sleep accumulates over a number of nights.

THE BIG QUESTIONS: Why does a good night’s sleep become more difficult to come by as we age? What can we do about this?  

SOME ANSWERS: Though sleep patterns can change over time, know that POOR SLEEP is not a consequence of getting older. So no matter your age, we now know more about the effects of sleeping and aging, plus there are things we can begin to do immediately, and the good news, these things do not require drugs.

SOME BACKGROUND

As we age, many people report sleep complaints. The most common? Not being able to fall asleep and stay asleep. Scientists and researchers report that over time, our biological clocks tend to reset a little earlier.

We start to feel sleepy earlier in the evening than we used to. We also wake up earlier in the morning. Scientists also state that our biological clocks are now sending weaker signals to keep us awake during the day or to allow us to sleep during the night.

So maybe you have headed to bed feeling tired, but then found yourself staring at the ceiling. Sleep also becomes fragmented throughout the night, as we spend less time in deep sleep and more time in periods of wakefulness. But why attach all of this to aging? Well, it is complicated, various factors affecting the relationship between aging and sleeping.

 

HERE ARE SOME FACTORS THAT CAN AFFECT  YOUR SLEEP:

  1. Medical conditions that require the use of medications.
  2. Medical conditions causing: increased insomnia because of heart conditions, musculoskeletal pain, breathing problems, depression, anxiety, acid reflux.
  3. Drugs that are used to treat the above conditions causing sleep-disturbing side effects.

When all of the above are taken into consideration, the number of healthy adults with insomnia, but no other problems, is quite low, between 1% and 7%.

In healthy adults, the difference in the time it takes to initially fall asleep becomes obvious only when you compare very young adults with elderly individuals. And even then, it takes less than 10 minutes longer for an 80-year old to fall asleep compared with a 20-year old.

STILL CANNOT SLEEP?

Regardless of your overall health, insomnia is a problem that should be taken seriously, given the harmful effects it can have on your life. Checking to see if the medications you are taking might be causing your inability to fall asleep is one step you can take. But the Mayo Clinic wants you to go further than that, as your insomnia might persist even if the timing of medications is changed.

TAKE A PILL?

There are many sleep-aids on the market encouraging you to do just that. An easy solution???

Not if you are already taking other medications. And unless your insomnia is short-lived or unique to a particular set of circumstances, most sleeping pills aren’t a good solution. And this is something I did not know and wish I had when my mother was alive: sleeping pills are not meant for use beyond 4-8 weeks, yet older adults report using them for months, even years. Like my Mom.

There are side effects: residual sleepiness; dizziness, impaired mental functioning and muscle coordination. Also, sleep walking, eating, making phone calls…that they cannot recollect.

Think about fractures from falling when on sleep meds that make you groggy. Not a good idea!

INSTEAD: SLEEP-FRIENDLY HABITS

  1. Create sleep-friendly rituals. Go to bed at the same time; have a ritual that alerts your body that it is time to rest: warm bath, reading, soothing music. Write down things you will deal with tomorrow. This will help your ability to pray, meditate, read or listen to soothing music. These activities can become a ritual to alert your body to rest and then sleep.
  2. Make your bedroom your sleeping room or your room for sex. Other activities like watching TV, eating, being on your phone…will change the peacefulness of your bedroom. Your body desires sleep. Your body needs cool, dark and quiet. Also comfortable bedding that allows you to stretch out.
  3. You have done the above and still cannot sleep? Leave your bedroom. Do something relaxing until you feel drowsy…reading in dim light; sitting quieting or meditating. THE POINT: don’t link your bed to the difficulty of falling asleep.
  4. Relax. It’s best to go to bed when  you are feeling sleepy. Try to relax at bedtime and avoid worrying that you might not sleep. Practice relaxation techniques by slowly tensing, then stretching and relaxing your muscle groups.Work from your toes to your neck and head.  
  5. Note that the things you do during the day can set the stage for how you sleep. Thus, consider including the following that might impact the quality of your sleep: regular exercise that expends energy and increases endorphins. Activities such as aerobic exercises or walking, running and endurance training, done daily, but not too close to your bedtime.  
  6. Avoiding caffeine that can keep you awake. Limit caffeine intake and reserve it only for the morning. 
  7. Watch how you use alcohol. Consuming it before bed might help you fall asleep, but it tends to produce a fragmented sleep. Also, a heavy meal before bedtime can increase your risk of digestive discomfort, which can keep you awake. 

Finally, develop sleep-friendly habits, so that when nighttime comes around, you are giving your body the proper signals and the environment that will lead to a good night’s rest.  

Thanks to Special Report: Good Night, Sleep Tight   Mayo Clinic Health Letter 

 

Daughter’s Day, Mother’s Day…Everyone’s DAY

Life has changed so much because of the Internet, because of our ability to communicate with each other as many times a day as we chose.  And sometimes we go beyond what is necessary. We crave to be SEEN online, to get “Likes” and clicks. None of this is new to us. But I do wonder how past generations would react to our “IN YOUR FACE” world.

I didn’t realize it was Daughter’s Day…so I missed it. I HAVE TWO AMAZING DAUGHTERS. My husband and I are blessed. Should I now search fo Son’s Day?  We are also blessed with a son.

But I am not writing to say negative things about Facebook, Email, etc. I use both daily. They have created profound differences in our lives, in the ways we communicate with each other. And I do like to remember people’s birthdays… so now Blue Mountain does it for me. All I have to do is pick a card and it magically appears in my friend’s email. Impersonal? I have a dear friend who would say YES. She still mails her cards. I applaud that.

BUT LET’S GO BACK…

My Dad died early on. My mother supported we three kids working for an insurance company in downtown Chicago. First, she worked at home: my father died when we were 6, 3 and three months.

Later, she took the Rock Island into downtown Chicago and yes, we were latchkey kids. But: IT WORKED OUT. Just a short walk to our grammar school. Then for high school, John and later Bill took a train or a bus downtown. I had a two mile walk…which you can handle when you meet up with your girlfriends and chat. But in the winter, there was often a parent who volunteered to get us there absent of frost-bite. We’re talking Chicago winters. But how did we get home? I really don’t remember…parents working. Maybe we took the bus partway. Maybe a mother left her younger kids to get us. All I know is none of us every got frost-bite.

HONORING RELATIONSHIPS: BUT IS THERE A LIMIT?

I think it is wonderful, fun and now a permanent thing…that on Facebook we share our family relationships. As I write this: it’s Daughter’s Day, which I missed. But my daughters will forgive me. There is so much we are SHARING. So much we wish to HIGHLIGHT! And yes, I’m often right there with everyone else.

But here’s the thing…in our world of photos and brief remarks…let us not forget the LENGTH of our relationships. What do I mean? I’m referring to those times when mothering or fathering can be a struggle. When we are not always certain of what to say or do when a daughter or a son is experiencing a LIFE CHANGE..when there is sadness instead of joy; confusion instead of certainly.

Maybe we should think of it this way: there isn’t a Hallmark Card for every emotion. AND THERE IS SOMETHING CALLED PRIVACY. Because maybe our adult children or our teens don’t want us posting a photo, sharing every experience they are having.

BECAUSE: the very presence of the ability to do so, does not give us permission to just go ahead. Privacy is a gift. Holding on to a sorrow, a life change need not be presented to your “FRIENDS”….a word that we have taken and stretched to a length we never thought would happen.

FINAL THOUGHT

So the next time I think of “sharing” something, I will stop and question whether my instinct to do so is a good one. Life is not one big Hallmark moment. It is also privacy, careful thought, a phone call that means more than a post. Because it is often good to LIVE our LIVES within certain parameters. And I too need to remind myself: privacy can be a gift. P.S. Permission granted.  

John, Beth and Bill

 

The Patient and Her Doctor (FROM KEVIN MD)

I enter the exam room, met by a faint but lovely strawberry fragrance. Mrs. B. rests comfortably on an office chair; she always eschews the exam table. In her 80s, she is a formidable woman, heavyset, her deep brown skin somewhat pale, yet she sparkles in a long, bright, flowery dress, glasses with large silver frames, one hand resting on a cane of knotty oak. Her two adult sons stand nearby, respectfully quiet.

The New York Times, Reader’s 100 Best Books of the 21st Century

The above is a daunting title, but LISTS always draw me. So I took a look. 

WHAT I HAD READ

Out of the 100 books listed, I had read 32…and there were two I did not finish: THE CORRECTIONS,  Franzen; LIFE AFTER LIFE, Atkinson. No offense to the authors, but brevity can be a source of wit. 

Also, there were quite a few that inspired me to write a blog post: HAMNET, Maggie O’Farrell; JAMES,  Percival Everett; OLIVE KITTERIDGE: Elizabeth Strout; EDUCATED: Tara Westover; THE UNDERGROUND RAILROAD: Colson Whitehead; SMALL THINGS LIKE THESE: Claire Keegan; THE IMMORTAL LIFE OF HENRIETTA LACKS: Rebecca Skloot; TOM LAKE: Ann Patchett; WHEN BREATH BECOMES AIR: Paul Kalanithi, and THE VANISHING HALF: Bret Bennett.  

There were also a few I just couldn’t get INTO, more than it being the work itself, the writer’s talent. And there were others, that after reading reviews, discussion, I clipped their ideas for a broader look, that often became included in a blog post on the same subject matter: EDUCATED: Tera Westover; THE WARMTH OF OTHER SUNS, Isabel Wilkerson; BETWEEN THE WORLD AND ME, Ta-Nehisi Coates; THE YEAR OF MAGICAL THINKING, Joan Didion.

But finally there is: WHEN BREATH BECOMES AIR, by Paul Kalanithi. This is a book of  ideas, the beauty of the message being one we all could benefit from. As a woman who became fascinated by human biology, and thus after giving birth and raising three children, went back to school to study Human Anatomy and Physiology, to take a Cadaver class, finally earn my RN and work at a major inner-city Chicago hospital…the human body we all dwell in, and take advantage of…will forever speak to me. 

So I’m sharing some of Kalanithi’s work with you. Thus he writes:

LOVE OF LIFE

“In anatomy lab, we objectified the dead, literally reducing them to organs, tissues, nerves, muscles. On that first day, you simply could not deny the humanity of the corpse . . . Anatomy lab, in the end, becomes less a violation of the sacred, and more something that interferes with happy hour, and that realization discomfits. In our rare reflective moments, we were all silently apologizing to our cadavers, not because we sensed the transgression but because we did not.”  (I found this fascinating.)

Because all of us, when at the doctor’s office or in the hospital…have felt a transformation from human being, to BODY AS OBJECT. It is not intended. We love our pets, our cars, our gardens…but when veterinarians, mechanics and gardeners work on them…the same thing happens…to some degree. 

UNDERSTANDING OUR HUMAN LIMITATIONS:  

“As a resident, my highest ideal was not saving lives—everyone dies eventually—but guiding a patient or family to an understanding of death or illness.”

This statement, of course, is related to the individual patient. So many of us go into the hospital, but later are discharged back to our healthy lives. BUT…

DOCTORS CAN ALSO BECOME AWARE OF THEIR MORTALITY; Paul’s doctor friend writes:

“I recall the sun filtering through the magnolia tree outside my office and lighting this scene: Paul seated before me, his beautiful hands exceedingly still, his prophet’s beard full, those dark eyes taking the measure of me . . . I remember thinking ‘You must remember this,’ because what was falling on my retina was precious. And because, in the context of Paul’s diagnosis, I became aware of not just his mortality but my own.”

PAUL, A DOCTOR, WHO THEN BECAME A PATIENT…HIS MESSAGE:  

“When you come to one of the many moments in life when you must give an account of yourself, provide a ledger of what you have been, and done, and meant to the world, do not, I pray, discount that you filled a dying man’s days with a sated joy, a joy unknown to me in all my prior years, a joy that does not hunger for more and more, but rests, satisfied. In this time, right now, that is an enormous thing.”

“Being with patients in these moments certainly had its emotional cost, but it also had its rewards. I don’t think I ever spent a minute of any day wondering why I did this work (being a doctor), or whether it was worth it.”

“Human knowledge is never contained in one person. It grows from the relationships we create between each other and the world, and still it is never complete.”

What have you read lately….reading is so much a part of LIFE!! 

WHY DO WE WRITE? How Do We Write?

If you are a blogger, a writer…then you also must have notes to stimulate your ideas. Or you record ideas on your phone. Whatever  you do, you are creating a SEED that you believe might grow into something: a blog post a short story, a novel, a poem, a paragraph on Facebook. 

And when and IF you do go back to those NOTES, how do you react? Laughter, wonder, confusion…what was I thinking?

Writers, bloggers novelists, poets, article writers…we all need an idea, a prompt with which to start. 

WHAT DID I FIND? NOTE CARDS…

1. Here’s one…Her mother is describing a friend who had a stroke. She’s going on and on, Caroline fixated on the possibility of some root or stem now growing, crossing over her mother’s face, pulling her mother somewhere…maybe into a hospital bed, the woman slowly losing freedom of movement as she describes the friend who really has.  

IT IS WEIRD, right? BUT LOTS OF POSSIBILITIES.  

2. It is a spring-like day in winter, light through the windows is so bright, the room feels like the furniture is going to blow away.  

I CAN FEEL THIS ONE. MAYBE A CHARACTER CAN TOO. 

3. Two mothers are talking about their growing children. One says she now wants a life with “No strings attached”, causing her friend to immediately picture the cutting of the umbilical cord.

NOT SURE MOTHERS THINK OF THE CORD THAT WAY, BUT MAYBE. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

4. At a dinner with neighbors, a teenager notices that the children in this family, near to her in age, seem very ill at ease, rarely speak and keep their eyes on their dinner plates. When the teenager goes home, she remarks to her mother that those kids seem beaten down by their parents.     

THIS WAS A REAL EXPERIENCE, SO MABYE I SHOULD WRITE MORE. 

5. She felt this way mostly about Sundays, because whether the sun shone raw on the hard winter ground, or soft rains fell on new grass shoots, the house always looked shabby, undone. Maybe the troubles she tried to wipe from her mind  were  still there.    

SHOULD SHE LIVE WITH THESE FEELINGS OR TRY TO DISCOVER WHAT THEY MEAN AND THEN DEAL WITH THEM?   

I would love to know if you: sometimes start a blog post, a poem, a short story or an article with one image or one sentence you overheard, an experience that haunts you.

OR, when it is time to write a blog post, do you often have nothing to say? Do you write ahead of time, take notes during the week, the months, to keep your ideas flowing?  

I so appreciate all of you…thanks for reading. Feel free to assign me something to write about in your comment. 

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