I have been told that it started when I was three years old. We had two throw rugs in a pass-through to the kitchen. I was constantly bending down to straighten them.
I am not a psychologist, but as I grew and heard this story, I found the answer to that compulsion.
Many of you know I lost my father at the age of three. He was there holding me, loving me, and then he was missing. Where did he go?
ANSWERS
Many psychologists would find a link between my compulsive “rug” behavior and the event that shook my world. Where did Daddy go? Is he coming back? Why did he leave me?
Of course, those were not questions I asked at such a young age, though later I would ask them.
But in those first months of loss and change, my mind and body did not like things being OUT OF PLACE. Enough of that! No more change. Let’s keep things the way they were, the way they should me…and that might explain the thought process of a child. That certainly explains my thumb sucking, crying fits and rug adjusting. WHY CAN’T THINGS BE LIKE THEY WERE? Even today in my older age, I hurt for that child who was so angry and confused by this loss.
BUT MAYBE THERE IS AN UPSIDE?
We can form bad and good habits early on, habits that often stay with us. I must have subconsciously looked at the rug straightening habit as a way to KEEP THINGS IN PLACE, AVOID UPHEAVAL, DEAL WITH CHANGE.
My mother might not have realized it, but she fed this need in me by asking that I always bring my young brother Bill’s empty formula bottles to the kitchen…which I did. Such a request and my rug straightening fed my desire, my absolute, desperate need to bring some order into the present chaos of my life.
Thus, I always complied, my mother then praising and thanking me, thus accomplishing two lessons I would take into my future life: first, despite upheaval, you can find calm in organization, routine. And second, any child, your own or one you are caring for…needs to feel part of the world around them, needs to feel they are contributing to life.
Saying thanks might sound too complicated for children under the age of five…but it is not.
Human beings thrive on love, yes. But they also thrive on praise. The smallest acknowledgment that I was being a good girl…being a helper…caring for my baby brother—worked a small miracle. Yes, my mother had her moments when she went into her bedroom, closed the door and cried. But those were moments I wasn’t privy to.
In my little life, I was a helper. Which of course now makes me think of Mr. Rogers, who often talked about the Helpers. Why? Because as humans we come into this world with a desire to help. It is simply part of our DNA. When I raised my own three children, I made sure they had part in caring for one another, and their bedrooms, their possessions. Maybe that’s why so many families have a dog or a cat…we had a bird!
So in the end, being human requires we learn responsibility, we learn how to organize, take care of our things, do our school homework, complete our daily chores….and thus in the end, someone will always be there to say THANK YOU or WELL DONE…and if not, we will simply feel we are doing what we can to make our lives better.
What in your life has made you a HELPER?
5 Responses
My partner lost his father when he was 9. 61 years later, that loss still impacts his life and behavior. While he becomes uber-picky and organized when he takes on a project as his own, he’s not so much an organizer (and far from tidy) as a collector. Everything (EVERYTHING) is important. He has trouble letting go.
I think we all do in small and large ways. I have sought counseling over the years, but not really about my father, about other things.
I know there were times when I needed to TALK ABOUT LOSS…because one loss can build on another. Your partner needs to realize that HE IS NOT GUILTY of the loss. It has nothing to do with him. It is life. It is tough. Hug him and tell him you love him whenever you can. I am here for both of you, Beth
I’m also an organizer. Although I didn’t have a terrible tragedy like you, I need order to stay calm. My husband Randy is the opposite with his messy office. If I had to work in there, I’d have to clean the whole place out first. The world is chaotic enough and us neat-nicks need calm to stay centered.
Wow! This is so insightful… so beautiful. You’ve also put a little perspective into why I do the things that I do for other people. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for reading, Andrei.