This past week I lost a friend, a writer…and we all lost a former physician, thinker and woman filled with joy. Jan O’Hara and I gave each other virtual hugs when they were needed. Today I share a selection from one of Jan’s post that appeared on Writer Unboxed.
Treat Feelings with Healthy Skepticism
Cognitive therapists have identified several thinking errors which, when indulged, tend to lead to depression, anxiety, and disempowerment. One of these is the error of Emotional Logic in which a feeling’s existence serves as proof of its veracity. I feel X, therefore X must be true.
Some examples: I feel rejected so I must be unlovable. I feel ugly, so I must be unattractive. I feel invisible so I must be unwanted.
I feel like a hack writer, so that must mean my prose is useless.
How about doubling-down to create a self-fulfilling prophecy? I feel like I’m incapable of improving my craft, therefore my present deficiencies are permanent.
Making Thoughts Conscious
The first step in countering Emotional Logic is cultivating a kind of mindfulness process so as to slow and capture our thoughts.
Meditation is a commonly prescribed method, whether taught in video format by masters such as Jon Kabat-Zinn, Sharon Salzburg, or via an app. Here’s a set of Free Mindfulness Apps as recommended by Mindful.org.
Because it allows me to pin down my slippery thoughts, I’m a big fan of stream-of-consciousness journaling, which I do on an ad hoc basis for as long as required. Once upon a time, I kept a Moleskin journal and used a special pen for this purpose, but I’ve changed to coil-bound dollar-store notebooks. Their informality allows me to get honest, gritty, and real.
Detachment, Not Suppression
So you’ve identified a process which allows you to notice the thoughts which produce Emotional Logic, and which sabotage your writing. Now what?
You’ve heard the expression that sunlight is the best disinfectant? Sometimes the mere act of identifying a thought is enough to make it lose its power. What once made you cringe becomes inconsequential, a source of amusement—perhaps a source of creativity, as with this article.
But how do you handle painful, recurrent thoughts? The psychological and medical literature are clear: don’t attempt to suppress them.
The reason is our basic biology and mental processing, as confirmed by functional MRI studies. Give your brain a message like Don’t eat chocolate! Don’t eat chocolate! and what it hears is Chocolate! Chocolate! (Why it’s advisable to state goals in positive language. i.e. “I will” versus “I won’t.” Also why people who make a career out of fighting against vice are often the ones who succumb.)
Instead, try these two techniques, which cultivate the art of detachment:
- Visualize the darker emotions as an approaching wave. Let it wash over you without trying to resist. Focus on mindful breathing. As it recedes, climb to your feet, pick the seaweed from your hair, pull up your bikini bottoms, and carry on. (For a more elegant description of the process, read Dr. Kelly McGonigal’s The Willpower Instinct, or Kabat-Zinn’s Full Catastrophe Living—two life-changing books.)
- My favorite technique, as described by Byron Katie: Go for a daily 5-10 minute walk and as your gaze rests on an object, give it a basic, non-judgmental name. Eraser. Pepper. Man. Move to the next object and continue the process. As you become comfortable, extend it to your thoughts, actions and emotions. Angry. Arguing. Dead.
Lastly, Build Upon Success and the Flow of Creativity
As I’m slowly learning, when the Drama Llama comes to visit, there’s no need to throw wide the stable doors, set out a gilded water bowl, and dodge his spittle whilst serving designer llama food. Rather, with time and practice, we can learn to greet him with a peaceful smile. We can offer a gentle pat and send him on his way with a “Safe journey, Drama Llama.” Then we can return to the page.
Each time we do this, we create a sense of confidence in our capacity to handle writing threats. We gain an opportunity to get taken over by the work and to enter a state of Flow, which is only my second-favorite emotional state in the world. *eyebrow waggle*
MY FINAL COMMENT: I might forget the eyebrow waggle, but I will not forget Jan’s smile, her generous comments and her friendship. Thanks for reading.
6 Responses
Learning to control emotions is so important. I’m always having to get a handle on anxiety. These are some great ideas. So sorry about the loss of Jan. She sounds like a wonderful friend.
Thank you, Laurie. She wrote for Writer Unboxed. That is how I met her. She was a physician who left her practice and began to
publish romance novels!! Such a change. Jan knew how to move on, to find things that worked for her and made her happy. I miss her humor and her point of view.
The one that resonates most at the moment is “detachment not suppression”. It’s hard work and I’ve been doing it for a few years now.
Penny, thank you for sharing that. There are a few people who bring me down, and I need to work on detachment where they are concerned. Beth
Emotional control is so vital. Thank you for sharing your friend’s writings.
Linda, thank you for reading and commenting. It means a lot to me, Beth Havey