HOW TO RAISE A SWEET SON in an ERA of ANGRY MEN
My husband and I are blessed with three amazing children. And not only are they all living good lives–all three are loving and giving. So why is that a big deal? It just is.
Faith Salie, author of the Approval Junkie, published a piece with the above title in TIME MAGAZINE. And I LOVED WHAT SHE SAID. Wished that I had written that piece. So I looked her up. Faith is an American journalist, writer, actor, comedian, and contributes to CBS Sunday Morning and NPR’s Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me! SHE IS ONE A SMART WOMAN.
And Faith has damn good insights. Her first child was a boy, and when her husband greeted the newborn, he said, “Hi Sweet Pea” not Buddy or Little Man…and from that moment, Faith felt great comfort. She saw that both of them would be committed to raising a sweet boy, and Faith, like many other mothers, realizes that this is what the world needs now–millions of them. I AGREE.
Faith now has two children–her son is five, her daughter is three. She uses metaphors for the trajectory of their individual lives: the girl demanded a makeshift kite to become a fencing foil, so that she could race around their yard proclaiming “En grade!” At his birthday party, the boy asked the balloon artist for a heart, instead of the usual sword.
Here’s the point Faith is making: “Boys have always known they could do anything; all they had to do was look around at the US presidents, religious leaders, professional athletes and especially at STATUES…in cities big and small.” She then writes: “Girls always knew they were allowed to feel anything–except anger.” My response to these statements: YES.
But now girls, led by we women, are allowed to be angry, to feel their emotions, and use those emotions to determine their futures.
LIKE MY TWO DAUGHTERS
Caroline initially wanted to major in architecture, but found her way to city planning and landscape design to be a better wide-open choice for her. She earned her MA in City Planning & Landscape Architecture, works in the Green Movement, helping to restructure buildings to be LEED certified ie Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design. She married Ben, lives and works in Boston, Mass, and is co-owner and principal of her firm.
On her journey, Christine had to deal (and did so expertly) with egotistical, obnoxious men when she worked in the film industry. She then did a one-eighty, earning her MA in Theology, with a focus in spiritual direction. She had three amazing children, then created The Green House, place for women to do yoga and /or meet Christie for spiritual direction. She also recently published a novel and is currently touring to promote it. Yes! both of our daughters are powerful women.
SO…WHAT ARE BOYS EXPECTED TO FEEL?
Faith Salie states it clearly: while girls are now encouraged to take on roles that were once only for men, boys who already knew they could be all these things–astronauts, tech giants–had parents who often failed to help them access and understand their emotions, actually know how to work with them. Faith points out that infant boys are still dressed in onesies with trucks and footballs. She even saw a onesie that read TOUGH LIKE DADDY. Faith would much rather see clothing that reads: RESILIENT LIKE MOMMY. And Faith wants us to consider this statistic: the number of men who around the age of 27 commit suicide or go on a murder rampage. Those statistics are chilling.)
RAISING YOUR SON
Thus, there is nothing wrong, but absolutely right, to raise a son while fostering his innate sweetness. Because this boy will grow up to see there is strength in being vulnerable, empathetic. (Empathy, which is now one of my favorite words for all time.) And Faith Salie states: when boys grow to be men and understand their emotions they:
- aren’t threatened by criticism;
- don’t perceive COMPETITION from people because of their skin color or sexual orientation, religion, education or as Faith writes WHATEVER!!
When boys feel everything without shame, it’s because their parents and maybe the wider society have given them permission to access their emotions, welcome them, understand them. There is NO SHAME in having and expressing emotion for males or females.
Faith writes: “Parents must invite their sons to be sad, afraid, hurt, silly, affectionate, and embrace them and snuggle them as they do their daughters. Sweet boys learn early on that they can defend themselves against loneliness by reaching out, asking for support, rather than turning into people who literally grab for power. Sweet boys evolve into openhearted men who aren’t confused about consent and sexual boundaries, because they experience women as equals.” WOW, THAT IS SO IMPORTANT.
And I must write: Andrew has had a great role model all his life–his father. He did get called, Buddy, now and again, and he did play baseball etc. But there was never a doubt that Andrew would be caring and kind–thus today he is a man of great empathy–in a world where anger, ego, lust and pride are sometimes held up as the way to be.
FINAL THOUGHTS
I kept a baby book for each of my children, recorded their birth weights and size, taped in their foot print sheets, their growth, listed their new teeth, first words…illnesses, birthdays, funny and amazing proclamations. My husband and I realized that though we raised two girls and then a boy–the pattern for each was the same! Thus our son Andrew works in marketing for a firm specializing in games. He not only enjoys his work but adds a creativity to it. He also plays guitar, knows chapter and verse about many kinds of music, and writes his own songs.
4 Responses
Love this. You have three wonderful children and should be proud. I want to believe I raised my sons by giving them a full bandwidth of emotions, not just those allowed for men. If we all raised males this way, instead of making them fit into this constantly war-bound, aggressive culture, I believe we’d have a different society.
Ah, Laurie, you are so right. And maybe raising my daughters actually helped me raise my son. But I also think that
each child is their own person, and gradually we find out exactly WHO THEY ARE…as we raise them. Hugs, Beth
Congratulations! I only had the one son, but it was an experience. He was a high energy child (not as bad as the child described someone else’s blog post I read today) but I tried to give him a range of experiences. His father, whose favorite activity is cooking (something discouraged by his mother!) never pressured him to only enjoy certain interests. Over thirty years ago, it was hard to find gender neutral toys but we managed. But soon enough, he showed me the direction he wanted. He would take toys and other things apart, and then he would put them back together – and they worked! He fixed a jammed Winnie the Pooh VHS tape when he was about five, with no help from anyone. Today he works at a job that is hands on and demands a lot of energy. If he had been a girl, how would I have reacted? I never had the chance to find out. I’d like to think I would have the same way, but do I know for sure?
WOW Alana, love this. Thanks for telling me about your son and his talents. Our children come from us…but they also bring their own individual talents into the world. Fixing a tape at five? Amazing. And I will alway accept and enjoy children of high energy. They make life worth living. Thanks for reading, Beth