For some reason, my family thinks I yearn to be surprised. Think birthdays. When a zero appears in my age….TIME TO SURPRISE MOM! Really?
And yes, my family GOT ME…every time. Once, John and I were out buying socks. Another time my brother Bill and I needed extra film….time to catch on, Beth. And the third time (and this was a big year, a big event) my husband was driving us to some benefit our daughter was connected to. WE WERE IN TRAFFIC, he was having a fit. “It’s some benefit, they won’t care if we’re late.” SURPRISE !!
And yes, it was wonderful….they got me again, people flying to California to celebrate me. I will never forget it. Thank you family for loving me. And I did feel that love.
But now…I am asking YOU, if there is a certain amount of trust that must be built into the concept of SURPRISE. I believe the answer would be YES…because depending on what the surprise is, there can be shock, physical or heartfelt shock…that can cause harm.
A DIFFERENT KIND OF SURPRISE
Think of the women who trust their husbands or significant others, only to one day be surprised by that lover or a husband’s confession of cheating. Yes, it’s a surprise, and novels, films, stage plays have been forever presented such a devastating and hurtful surprise. If we had a panel of counselors to ask, that kind of torturous surprise would probably be a major reason why their clients seek help. Human beings LOVE being prepared for change. Parents respect the lives of their adult children, but find it helpful when they are prepared for major changes in a child’s life…no matter what their age.
JINNI: A DEVASTATING SURPRISE
My mother was one strong woman, she for months watching my father struggling with cheat pain, the opinions of doctors, the exams, medications, therapies that never seemed to go anywhere. And then his death. Was it a surprise? Yes, death rarely is the person in bed extending a hand before dropping it…so often portrayed in TV and film.
But as parents, and no matter what our children’s ages, we prefer to have signals, hints, or bold statements as to how their lives are progressing. And this is especially true when “the surprise” echoes our own histories and challenges.
OPEN VERSUS CLOSED
In the parent-child relationship, NOTHING is more wonderful, satisfying, life-fulfilling than the time your adult child seeks your advice…SHARES a goal or a dream with you.
IT IS WHY WE HAVE CHILDREN. IT IS WHY: we read to them, educate them, encourage sports, film, travel, a broad range of life experience. It is why we celebrate their graduations, birthdays, marriages, children and successes.
And a final thought: PARENTS YEARN TO SHARE THEIR CHILDREN’S PATHWAYS, HOPES and DREAMS.
WHY? Because one day, when they tell us they are getting close to fulfilling a dream, we can see in that dream the seeds of our parenthood. And that is good. That is WHY WE PARENT.
FINAL THOUGHT
NO CHILD ARRIVES COMPLETE. It is parenting, it is love, exposure to life and art…to so many amazing experiences that our culture provides. We want our children at any age to REACH FOR IT. LIVE IT. But we also ask: don’t forget to thank your roots, those who long ago inspired you, read to you, encouraged you. WHERE WOULD YOU BE WITHOUT THEM?
WHERE WOULD YOU BE WITHOUT US?
(thanks to Media: Thoughtfully Share on Facebook)
8 Responses
Well said! I want to see more of your blog.
Thanks so much, Marilyn! Please subscribe. I look forward to being your friend. Beth
No child arrives complete. Love that, and as parents, we help them towards completion, but as we all know that is a lifetime of growth. I think that children also help us toward completion which is also never done, but we learn so much while parenting. Love this post!
Mel, you made my day. Thanks for reading and thanks for your comments. I do feel sad when my adult children
decide that they can surprise me with accomplishments, instead of slowly sharing with me what they are working on.
I prefer the latter, Beth
I have to admit, I struggle with surprise parties, if they’re for me. I prefer to be the quiet person in the corner, rather than the center of attention. At the same time, your family loves and wants to celebrate you. What could be sweeter than that?
Thanks, Laurie. But I do wish when they achieve something, are working on a project, they might share the process instead of
making it a surprise. Sometimes we are too old for surprises. Hugs, Beth
Loved this Beth. Especially the “no child arrives complete”. And I believe they never are in our lifetime. I don’t think I am and I’m your age for cripes sake!!
Happy New Year 🎊 🎆 to you and John and hopefully we can meet for lunch someday in the near future.
Karen, Your comment on my blog post means a lot, and I will be writing back ON THE POST to thank you. But I just wanted to say that in my own motherhood, this SURPRISE stuff can be so hurtful, and there is really no way to deal with it…unless I complain and that would make it worse.
So, I write about it. That’s what I do. Thanks so much for your comment, Happy New Year, Beth